I was asked by a wellbeing website to write a piece for Father’s Day with the brief: Why is there a huge increase in mental health issues for men; how do we break this cycle; has lockdown made it worse? I submitted the copy below but they didn’t like it so it wasn’t published. A shame, but I’m grateful for being asked, because deadlines help me write, and writing this piece brought together a few ideas I’ve been reflecting on for a while.
They are not my ideas, they come from Robert Moore, the American Jungian analyst, and Eivind Figenschau Skjellum, a leading figure in the international men’s movement who’s course Reclaim Your Inner Throne I did in 2021. These ideas are also aligned with the work of well known British psychologists working in the pioneering field of male psychology, such as Martin Seager and John Barry. And they are echoed in men’s circles in the UK and, I have no doubt, around the world. Here is the piece.
Fathers can support children — and anyone else — to become confident in the world through healthy challenge, as the father fox, rather brutally, forces his cubs out of the den. It’s impossible to become a healthy man or woman without access to the healthy father archetype. Indigenous cultures have always known there needs to be a bridge between the mother archetype — the feelings-led realm that can spill into emotional enmeshment and victimhood — and the father archetype’s realm of facts, accountability and independence.
Why is there a crisis in mental health among men? Because we are at war with the father archetype. How do we break the cycle? Understand the goodness in masculinity and remind men that aggression and power are not shameful. They are gifts to use in service of their families, communities and environments.
Neither is vulnerability shameful. It takes courage to be vulnerable, and to do so in the company of men, and witness their wounds in return, is a powerful experience that’s new to most men and, at the same time, familiar, because it’s what they have been longing for their whole lives.
A good way to do this is in a regular men’s circle, where there are rules about confidentiality and non-judgment. Men I know who have joined one, including myself, have changed for the better, growing in self awareness, self compassion and compassion for others. A corollary seems to be a greater authenticity and a desire to serve others. This is a natural expression of the father archetype. You can find men’s circles online and face to face all over the place. They are blossoming. My favourite organisation that does this in the UK is A Band Of Brothers because we mentor young men involved in the criminal justice system.
Men are taught to fear their power and authenticity. The submissiveness of men during lockdowns proved how effective this message has been. Identifying with the father archetype is prohibited in mainstream culture, hence the tidal wave of gaming and porn that is crippling a generation of isolated young men. They learn that aggression, risk taking, emotional detachment, and the instinct to provide and protect, are shameful.
Actually, these are healthy instincts, only they require tempering via initiation with male mentors. A female teacher, therapist or parent will be able to help you in many ways, but not with this. You need to see it modelled by a mature man in command of his own power. Most fathers have missed out on this since the Industrial Revolution, when men were removed from their children’s lives. It’s not too late. Join a men’s circle. Find a male friendly therapist.
The father archetype is tens of thousands years old. It defined Western civilisation and bestowed a moral code that valued rationality, logic, responsibility, service, strength. If Western civilisation was a man, today he would be self harming, thinking of suicide. The thing he loathes about himself the most is the father archetype. We’ve come to believe that shadow behaviours of the father archetype run everything — the so called patriarchy that we’re told is corrupt, violent and oppressive. Yes, this happens, but it’s not the rule. There is light — and shadow — in the masculine and the feminine archetypes. We need both. On Father’s Day let’s model the healthy versions to our children and heal the divisions between men and women.
